1 00:00:01,434 --> 00:00:04,738 My name is Chip. Life's been knocking me on my butt lately. 2 00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:06,631 My best friend died out of nowhere. 3 00:00:06,656 --> 00:00:08,464 Oh, I'm really gonna miss you, Ray. 4 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:10,831 - And my wife, well... - Your girl's pregnant. 5 00:00:11,157 --> 00:00:12,987 I hadn't opened a Bible in 20 years, 6 00:00:13,012 --> 00:00:15,518 but it's helped so many, and I needed help. 7 00:00:15,715 --> 00:00:19,386 I've decided to live my life 100% by the Bible. 8 00:00:19,419 --> 00:00:21,110 - To the letter. - (LAUGHS) 9 00:00:21,162 --> 00:00:22,548 I get that reaction a lot. 10 00:00:22,573 --> 00:00:24,392 But with the help of my God Squad, 11 00:00:24,417 --> 00:00:27,053 I'm becoming a better man, one verse at a time. 12 00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:29,738 I am living biblically. 13 00:00:32,719 --> 00:00:33,800 - Woah! - Come on, baby. 14 00:00:33,833 --> 00:00:35,502 - Yeah! - Yes! Yeah. 15 00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:37,498 Come on, Nets. Let's go, baby. 16 00:00:38,155 --> 00:00:39,287 What is it about the Knicks 17 00:00:39,312 --> 00:00:41,108 - that just makes them so easy to hate? - Mm. 18 00:00:42,139 --> 00:00:44,677 As a priest, I can't really say I "hate" anything. 19 00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:46,784 Except, of course, the Knicks. 20 00:00:46,809 --> 00:00:48,381 - (LAUGHS) - Yeah. 21 00:00:48,622 --> 00:00:51,410 - Most obnoxious fans in the NBA. - Ugh. 22 00:00:51,618 --> 00:00:53,286 (CRIES OUT) 23 00:00:55,321 --> 00:00:57,891 (GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY) 24 00:00:57,924 --> 00:01:00,460 (VOCALIZING) 25 00:01:00,493 --> 00:01:01,795 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! 26 00:01:01,828 --> 00:01:03,630 (HUMMING) 27 00:01:04,058 --> 00:01:05,167 (WHOOPS) 28 00:01:06,064 --> 00:01:07,597 Huh? Let's go, Knicks! 29 00:01:09,502 --> 00:01:12,474 What-what are we? Okay, are we rooting for the Nets? 30 00:01:12,499 --> 00:01:15,508 - Yeah. - Oh, man. 31 00:01:17,677 --> 00:01:19,179 (ALL GROAN) 32 00:01:19,420 --> 00:01:20,475 Hey, question. 33 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:22,216 - After Porzingis hit that three... - (EXHALES) 34 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:25,028 ...he pointed towards the sky to thank God. Like, what is that? 35 00:01:25,185 --> 00:01:26,919 It's not like God passed him the ball. 36 00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:28,839 If the player is thanking God 37 00:01:28,864 --> 00:01:31,130 for literally guiding the rock into the old peach basket, 38 00:01:31,155 --> 00:01:32,733 - well, that's the wrong idea. - Mm. 39 00:01:32,758 --> 00:01:33,759 GENE: On the other hand, 40 00:01:33,792 --> 00:01:35,765 if he's humbly thanking God for his athletic gifts 41 00:01:35,790 --> 00:01:37,821 and acknowledging that it's not all about him, 42 00:01:37,890 --> 00:01:38,958 I'm okay with that. 43 00:01:39,281 --> 00:01:41,016 - Mm. - I like to think God doesn't care 44 00:01:41,041 --> 00:01:44,173 about trivial things. I mean, if he did, the Shamrock Shake 45 00:01:44,340 --> 00:01:45,837 would be available all year-round. 46 00:01:46,022 --> 00:01:47,657 (CHUCKLES) 47 00:01:47,682 --> 00:01:49,717 Ooh, Daddy, I been praying for that. 48 00:01:50,572 --> 00:01:53,588 Hey. Pray for a year-round McRib, too, would you? 49 00:01:53,613 --> 00:01:55,547 Oh. I know, right? 50 00:01:55,636 --> 00:01:57,798 It's like, they can do it They just won't. 51 00:01:57,823 --> 00:01:59,091 (LAUGHS) 52 00:01:59,318 --> 00:02:01,623 The important thing is to think of God 53 00:02:01,648 --> 00:02:03,549 as less of a point guard and more of a coach 54 00:02:03,574 --> 00:02:06,098 who watches over us and guides us 55 00:02:06,159 --> 00:02:07,778 and leads us to be better players. 56 00:02:07,859 --> 00:02:10,571 All right, question. For tomorrow's Rangers-Devils game, 57 00:02:10,596 --> 00:02:12,282 we are rooting for the Devils, right? 58 00:02:13,165 --> 00:02:15,405 You're asking a priest if he's rooting for the Devils. 59 00:02:17,636 --> 00:02:19,571 Ah, now I got to go back to the store. 60 00:02:20,647 --> 00:02:21,952 Hey, Rabbi. (CLEARS THROAT) 61 00:02:21,977 --> 00:02:23,819 - Yeah? - Forgot your fake ball. 62 00:02:28,681 --> 00:02:30,616 ? ? 63 00:02:35,541 --> 00:02:36,643 Vince. 64 00:02:37,142 --> 00:02:39,031 What is going on? What's wrong with your hand? 65 00:02:39,259 --> 00:02:40,569 I got Tinder finger. 66 00:02:42,154 --> 00:02:44,674 Been swiping so much recently, I had to ice this bad boy down. 67 00:02:46,238 --> 00:02:47,873 Being single is harder than it looks. 68 00:02:49,625 --> 00:02:52,246 MEADOWS: All right, people. Listen up! For once, 69 00:02:52,404 --> 00:02:54,474 I have got some good news about the newspaper. 70 00:02:54,661 --> 00:02:56,568 Hey, the Internet's been uninvented 71 00:02:56,593 --> 00:02:57,958 so people will actually read it. 72 00:02:58,562 --> 00:03:00,140 (SCOFFS) I wish. 73 00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:03,257 No, I was gonna say that the nominations 74 00:03:03,282 --> 00:03:06,459 for the Douglas J. Flecken Journalism Awards just came out, 75 00:03:06,673 --> 00:03:08,487 and we are "flecken" killing it 76 00:03:08,512 --> 00:03:10,636 with two of our very own being nominated. 77 00:03:10,801 --> 00:03:12,636 All right, gang. 78 00:03:12,799 --> 00:03:14,207 - Yeah. - (WHOOPING) 79 00:03:14,302 --> 00:03:17,747 First we've got Chip's "Living Biblically" column. 80 00:03:18,263 --> 00:03:19,644 - (LAUGHS) - Makes sense 81 00:03:19,669 --> 00:03:21,863 because it's playing huge in the dork community. 82 00:03:22,108 --> 00:03:23,331 And... 83 00:03:23,735 --> 00:03:27,557 we have got one for Vince's stellar reporting of the capture 84 00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:28,916 of the Staten Island Strangler. 85 00:03:29,007 --> 00:03:31,476 - Hey! - (LAUGHS): Yeah! 86 00:03:31,501 --> 00:03:33,370 Hey, I guess you could say I'm killing it! 87 00:03:34,876 --> 00:03:37,103 - Cause he killed all those people. - Yeah, we got it. 88 00:03:38,407 --> 00:03:41,195 All right, you guys. Good luck. You're gonna need it, 89 00:03:41,288 --> 00:03:45,100 because every year this award goes to that pretentious nympho 90 00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:47,195 who writes that "New York Nooky" column, so... 91 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:50,539 "New York Nooky"? All her columns are the same. 92 00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:52,886 - We get it. You like to be on top. - (CHUCKLES) 93 00:03:53,346 --> 00:03:56,144 I know, right? It's just a bunch of cheap sex puns. 94 00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:58,371 I mean, "Erectoral College"? What does that even mean? 95 00:04:00,244 --> 00:04:01,908 "Erectoral." (SNICKERS) 96 00:04:02,099 --> 00:04:03,539 You talking about "New York Nooky"? 97 00:04:06,546 --> 00:04:08,892 My wife and I are big fans. 98 00:04:09,215 --> 00:04:12,085 It's led to some very spirited lovemaking sessions. 99 00:04:13,257 --> 00:04:14,859 Much like the fruit in my yogurt cup, 100 00:04:15,221 --> 00:04:16,389 I like to be on bottom. 101 00:04:19,477 --> 00:04:20,708 Warren, you read that column? 102 00:04:20,922 --> 00:04:23,196 What? Just cause I'm black, I don't read? 103 00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:26,166 I'm black, too. 104 00:04:27,433 --> 00:04:28,496 I can see that. 105 00:04:29,317 --> 00:04:32,439 Are you saying that I'm blind 'cause I'm black? 106 00:04:34,484 --> 00:04:35,679 What?! 107 00:04:36,757 --> 00:04:37,781 Mm-hmm. 108 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:42,626 - (SIGHS) - Wow, man, this is so cool. 109 00:04:43,316 --> 00:04:45,452 I mean, the last time I was nominated for anything 110 00:04:45,485 --> 00:04:48,215 was "best hair" in high school, and I didn't even win. 111 00:04:48,855 --> 00:04:52,492 Jeremy Bliggenstorfer did with his beautiful blonde curls. 112 00:04:54,361 --> 00:04:56,796 Yeah, but where are you now, Jeremy? Oh, right, bald. 113 00:04:58,765 --> 00:05:01,501 Huh. Guess I won in the end, huh, Jer? 114 00:05:06,539 --> 00:05:08,290 You should not still be so angry 115 00:05:08,315 --> 00:05:10,450 about losing "best hair" 20 years ago. 116 00:05:11,095 --> 00:05:12,251 I'm working through it. 117 00:05:13,238 --> 00:05:15,097 But look, when it comes to this award, 118 00:05:15,785 --> 00:05:16,878 may the best man win. 119 00:05:17,980 --> 00:05:19,360 I'm sure he will. 120 00:05:21,391 --> 00:05:22,477 Me, too. 121 00:05:23,696 --> 00:05:25,496 We're both talking about ourselves, aren't we? 122 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:27,590 Yes, we are. 123 00:05:29,396 --> 00:05:30,663 Now we're just holding hands. 124 00:05:38,805 --> 00:05:41,556 I love our religious debates, Gil, I really do, 125 00:05:41,581 --> 00:05:43,343 but in this case, you're dead wrong. 126 00:05:43,376 --> 00:05:45,728 Noah's ark could not have had a glass bottom. 127 00:05:47,322 --> 00:05:48,805 But just for fun, let's pretend that it did, 128 00:05:48,829 --> 00:05:50,054 - okay? - (SIGHS) 129 00:05:50,079 --> 00:05:51,718 I think the animals would have loved it. 130 00:05:51,751 --> 00:05:55,302 I mean, hey, when does a giraffe ever get to see a whale? 131 00:05:55,802 --> 00:05:57,724 The whale was on the ark, too. 132 00:05:57,757 --> 00:06:00,393 Okay, Father Einstein, tell me, 133 00:06:00,426 --> 00:06:03,281 why would a whale need protection from a flood? 134 00:06:03,538 --> 00:06:04,631 Hmm? 135 00:06:05,196 --> 00:06:07,461 Whales love water. 136 00:06:08,598 --> 00:06:09,642 To be continued. 137 00:06:09,667 --> 00:06:12,639 You've been saying that for ten years. Can we please just end this? 138 00:06:12,672 --> 00:06:14,250 (SIGHS) Guys... 139 00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:16,578 (CHUCKLES) I've got some really cool news. 140 00:06:17,484 --> 00:06:20,181 Your boy's "Living Biblically" column just got nominated 141 00:06:20,206 --> 00:06:21,981 for a pretty substantial writing award. 142 00:06:22,206 --> 00:06:24,017 Oh, my gosh, a Pulitzer? 143 00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:25,980 (LAUGHING): No, not quite. 144 00:06:26,762 --> 00:06:28,301 A MacArthur Genius? 145 00:06:28,344 --> 00:06:29,879 Stop guessing better things. 146 00:06:30,957 --> 00:06:33,022 It's the Douglas J. Flecken Award. 147 00:06:33,475 --> 00:06:36,062 - Oh! Look at you! - (CHIP LAUGHS) 148 00:06:36,259 --> 00:06:38,676 - Up for the David B... - What? 149 00:06:38,701 --> 00:06:39,904 - Was it David? - It wasn't... no. 150 00:06:39,928 --> 00:06:41,736 Look, the name is not important, okay? 151 00:06:42,127 --> 00:06:43,486 But I really want to win it. 152 00:06:44,026 --> 00:06:46,066 You know, I'd get a lot of attention from it, and... 153 00:06:46,151 --> 00:06:47,317 the trophy's so cool. 154 00:06:47,342 --> 00:06:49,972 It's a silver typewriter. You know, it'd be fun 155 00:06:49,997 --> 00:06:51,973 to throw a little pic of it up on Facebook. 156 00:06:52,161 --> 00:06:53,352 You know... 157 00:06:53,505 --> 00:06:55,141 for all my haters. (CHUCKLES) 158 00:06:57,134 --> 00:06:59,251 You sure you're big enough to have haters? 159 00:07:01,690 --> 00:07:02,775 Apparently. 160 00:07:04,166 --> 00:07:06,592 Well, now, you have to be careful there, Chippy. 161 00:07:06,626 --> 00:07:08,961 Yeah, the Bible's fine with winning awards, 162 00:07:09,432 --> 00:07:13,281 but it explicitly states "thou shalt not covet." Mmm. 163 00:07:13,678 --> 00:07:15,558 It sounds like you might be coveting this award. 164 00:07:15,873 --> 00:07:17,170 Coveting does not end well. 165 00:07:17,203 --> 00:07:18,797 I mean, look-look at the, the story 166 00:07:18,822 --> 00:07:20,540 of Joseph and his coat of many colors. 167 00:07:20,573 --> 00:07:22,720 - (CHUCKLES) You know how that ended. - Yeah. 168 00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:25,222 With a lavish Broadway musical? 169 00:07:28,047 --> 00:07:30,183 I saw it on ice. I tell you, 170 00:07:30,503 --> 00:07:33,162 that stage may have been cold, but those moves were red-hot. 171 00:07:34,887 --> 00:07:37,490 I meant that Joseph's brothers covet the coat so much 172 00:07:37,523 --> 00:07:39,592 that they beat him, leave him for dead, 173 00:07:39,617 --> 00:07:41,476 and he ends up being sold into slavery. 174 00:07:41,897 --> 00:07:42,983 Man. 175 00:07:43,351 --> 00:07:45,471 Didn't sound that sad when they were singing about it. 176 00:07:46,866 --> 00:07:50,873 Chip, you need to find a way to be content with a job well done. 177 00:07:51,100 --> 00:07:52,135 That should be the award. 178 00:07:52,538 --> 00:07:54,338 I really want that little typewriter. 179 00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,930 Take a step back and try to appreciate the fact 180 00:07:58,955 --> 00:08:01,584 that compared to your family, your friends, 181 00:08:01,850 --> 00:08:03,516 your health, your faith, 182 00:08:03,717 --> 00:08:06,586 this award is as meaningless 183 00:08:06,619 --> 00:08:09,217 as knowing if Noah's ark had a glass bottom. 184 00:08:09,467 --> 00:08:10,472 Which it may have had. 185 00:08:10,690 --> 00:08:13,010 But, you know, we weren't there, so we ll never, ever know. 186 00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:16,990 Wait, are we, are we saying, like, a glass bottom on Noah's ark? 187 00:08:17,131 --> 00:08:19,411 Cause, I mean, that would be kind of cool. 188 00:08:19,436 --> 00:08:21,586 Like, the zebras could look at the fishes. 189 00:08:21,611 --> 00:08:23,068 The fish were on the ark! 190 00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:30,181 How am I supposed to go to an award show 191 00:08:30,206 --> 00:08:32,783 where I am nominated and not covet the award? 192 00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:35,057 It's like going to Sizzler and pretending 193 00:08:35,081 --> 00:08:37,222 I don't want to hit that salad bar so hard. 194 00:08:38,589 --> 00:08:39,952 (SIGHS) 195 00:08:40,566 --> 00:08:43,790 Chip, you're already a much better person because of the Bible. 196 00:08:43,823 --> 00:08:45,892 Can't you just give yourself the night off? 197 00:08:46,158 --> 00:08:47,193 The night off? 198 00:08:47,580 --> 00:08:48,908 From the Ten Commandments? 199 00:08:49,301 --> 00:08:52,191 So what, coveting, stealing, killing... 200 00:08:52,823 --> 00:08:54,534 Just all okay? (SCOFFS) 201 00:08:54,567 --> 00:08:56,019 This isn't The Purge, Les. 202 00:08:57,832 --> 00:08:59,442 Or The Purge 2: Anarchy 203 00:08:59,467 --> 00:09:01,748 or The Purge 3: Election Year or the just announced 204 00:09:01,787 --> 00:09:03,810 Purge 4: Purge It, Purge It Real Good. 205 00:09:05,718 --> 00:09:08,468 I am not suggesting that you go out and murder a stranger, Chip. 206 00:09:08,493 --> 00:09:10,862 I'm just saying give yourself a break. 207 00:09:11,690 --> 00:09:12,721 How about this. 208 00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:14,754 Instead of coveting the award for yourself, 209 00:09:15,146 --> 00:09:16,506 why not root for your best friend? 210 00:09:17,499 --> 00:09:20,436 Oh, hey. That's a great idea, babe. 211 00:09:20,461 --> 00:09:21,575 - Yes! - Yeah. 212 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:24,616 Yeah, okay, so... so I ll just put all my coveting energy 213 00:09:24,641 --> 00:09:26,468 into hoping Vince wins my award... The award. 214 00:09:26,591 --> 00:09:28,392 (INHALES, WHOOPS) 215 00:09:31,662 --> 00:09:33,132 This is your big night, boys. 216 00:09:33,276 --> 00:09:35,492 - Are you ready for it? - Yeah. Chip? 217 00:09:35,867 --> 00:09:36,876 You ready to lose? 218 00:09:37,558 --> 00:09:38,621 Yes. 219 00:09:39,753 --> 00:09:40,813 Huh? 220 00:09:41,867 --> 00:09:43,739 I want you to win this award, Vince. 221 00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:45,507 I do. I am rooting for you. 222 00:09:46,118 --> 00:09:47,156 Because, you see, 223 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,780 I have turned over a new leaf. 224 00:09:54,632 --> 00:09:56,053 What the hell is that? 225 00:09:56,380 --> 00:09:58,223 God selling merch now? 226 00:09:59,785 --> 00:10:01,200 I know this hat's a little weird... 227 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:02,875 Tilda Swinton's a little weird. 228 00:10:03,009 --> 00:10:04,188 That hat's a lot of weird. 229 00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:07,640 But being nominated for this award has brought up 230 00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:09,987 some very strong feelings of coveting, 231 00:10:10,362 --> 00:10:11,550 and I need to be better. 232 00:10:12,011 --> 00:10:13,779 You know you look like a moron, right? 233 00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:16,223 Which means everybody thinks I hired a moron, 234 00:10:16,382 --> 00:10:17,989 which makes me look like a moron. 235 00:10:18,590 --> 00:10:21,854 I feel like there's a little splash of moron on me here, as well. 236 00:10:23,656 --> 00:10:25,390 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen... 237 00:10:25,661 --> 00:10:28,397 And also the staff of Time Out New York. 238 00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:33,349 Doesn't cost anything to laugh, gang. 239 00:10:35,060 --> 00:10:36,335 Thank you for coming out. 240 00:10:36,534 --> 00:10:38,121 You all look beautiful tonight. 241 00:10:38,224 --> 00:10:40,807 Or am I not allowed to say that in this climate? 242 00:10:42,545 --> 00:10:43,566 Yikes. 243 00:10:43,591 --> 00:10:45,679 A swing and a miss. 244 00:10:47,499 --> 00:10:50,324 Look, I am sorry about the hat, but I have to wear it 245 00:10:50,349 --> 00:10:51,939 to remind myself not to covet. 246 00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:55,017 You can't even see it... it's on your head, you ding-dong! 247 00:10:56,135 --> 00:10:58,919 And now, it is my pleasure to announce this year's winner 248 00:10:58,944 --> 00:11:00,946 of the Douglas J. Flecken Journalism Award. 249 00:11:01,027 --> 00:11:03,329 All right, you got this, buddy. 250 00:11:04,005 --> 00:11:05,617 Root for yourself, you weirdo. 251 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:10,702 Sweet Vince, the satisfaction of a job well done is my award. 252 00:11:10,703 --> 00:11:12,838 You see, I have mastered coveting. 253 00:11:13,192 --> 00:11:17,817 I can honestly say with 100% certainty that I don't want this award. 254 00:11:18,317 --> 00:11:19,551 And the winner is... 255 00:11:19,938 --> 00:11:21,414 the New York Arrow's Chip Curry! 256 00:11:21,447 --> 00:11:23,015 Oh-ho-ho! 257 00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:25,084 I knew it! I knew it, baby! 258 00:11:25,254 --> 00:11:28,012 Ah! Whoo-hoo! 259 00:11:28,220 --> 00:11:29,989 Yeah! (LAUGHS) 260 00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:31,327 (CACKLES) 261 00:11:32,718 --> 00:11:34,109 Oh, you. 262 00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:35,967 Whew. 263 00:11:36,421 --> 00:11:37,444 You. 264 00:11:38,219 --> 00:11:41,234 Mmm. Wow, it's actually a lot heavier than I thought it'd be. 265 00:11:41,259 --> 00:11:42,507 (ALL CHUCKLING, CHATTERING) 266 00:11:42,996 --> 00:11:44,431 That you laugh at? 267 00:11:46,091 --> 00:11:47,091 Uh... 268 00:11:47,473 --> 00:11:50,355 two months ago, I started living my life 269 00:11:50,380 --> 00:11:52,045 100% by the Bible, 270 00:11:52,690 --> 00:11:55,739 and that, uh, ended up being the genesis... 271 00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:57,919 Pun very much intended... 272 00:11:59,359 --> 00:12:01,328 For my "Living Biblically" column. 273 00:12:01,431 --> 00:12:02,866 So obviously, I got to thank God. 274 00:12:03,921 --> 00:12:06,625 You made this happen, big guy. Ha-ha! 275 00:12:06,926 --> 00:12:08,668 (WHISPERS): That jackass is still wearing 276 00:12:08,693 --> 00:12:10,273 his "Thou shalt not covet" hat. 277 00:12:10,414 --> 00:12:14,101 That jackass also just won an award and didn't hug his wife. 278 00:12:16,262 --> 00:12:17,288 We are so lucky... 279 00:12:20,390 --> 00:12:23,676 as writers, to get to do what we do. 280 00:12:26,075 --> 00:12:27,334 I was given a gift. 281 00:12:28,888 --> 00:12:30,279 The gift of my craft. 282 00:12:30,816 --> 00:12:32,207 And, um... 283 00:12:32,805 --> 00:12:36,323 well, frankly, it would be a crime not to unwrap that gift. 284 00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:40,426 (CRYING, SNIFFLING): I said I wasn't... 285 00:12:42,111 --> 00:12:43,641 When I was 11 years old, I... 286 00:12:43,666 --> 00:12:45,688 Mr. Curry, there's been a mistake. 287 00:12:45,713 --> 00:12:47,758 Excuse me, I'm trying to give a speech here, guy. 288 00:12:48,183 --> 00:12:50,303 I read the nomination card by accident. 289 00:12:50,328 --> 00:12:51,904 You... didn't win. 290 00:12:52,420 --> 00:12:53,569 CHIP: What? 291 00:12:54,176 --> 00:12:57,150 The actual winner is the New York Arrow's Vince Young! 292 00:12:57,175 --> 00:13:01,447 - Oh! - Yay! Nice job! 293 00:13:09,538 --> 00:13:11,301 Ah, tough break, Chip. 294 00:13:12,222 --> 00:13:13,472 Thou shalt sit down. 295 00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:28,675 Oh. Hey, look... he didn't kill himself. 296 00:13:30,193 --> 00:13:31,393 Warren, you owe me five bucks. 297 00:13:33,471 --> 00:13:35,182 I'm surprised to see you here, Chip. 298 00:13:35,408 --> 00:13:36,775 I thought you'd be at home... 299 00:13:36,955 --> 00:13:38,250 unwrapping your craft. 300 00:13:39,097 --> 00:13:42,565 All right, go ahead, go ahead, everybody laugh it up. 301 00:13:42,590 --> 00:13:45,157 - It's okay. I deserve it. - Get over here, Chip. 302 00:13:45,394 --> 00:13:46,990 - We celebrating my win. - Mm-hmm. 303 00:13:47,247 --> 00:13:49,558 Remember that? When you ran up on stage last night 304 00:13:49,583 --> 00:13:50,698 and got La La Land-ed? 305 00:13:50,854 --> 00:13:52,831 (CHUCKLES) Yes, I remember. 306 00:13:53,198 --> 00:13:55,465 I also remember La La Land being a pretty great film. 307 00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:59,135 Really? A movie about jazz starring 9,000 white people. 308 00:14:01,084 --> 00:14:03,010 I was telling myself I wasn't coveting. 309 00:14:03,035 --> 00:14:04,836 Obviously, I was coveting my ass off. 310 00:14:05,191 --> 00:14:06,464 I feel like an idiot, okay? 311 00:14:06,632 --> 00:14:08,534 Well, at least you hugged your wife. 312 00:14:09,129 --> 00:14:10,623 Oh, wait. You didn't. 313 00:14:11,493 --> 00:14:13,662 Well, at least you didn't wear a silly hat. 314 00:14:14,345 --> 00:14:16,024 - Oh, wait. - All right! 315 00:14:17,415 --> 00:14:19,858 I get it, okay? I am agreeing with you. 316 00:14:20,537 --> 00:14:23,242 I shouldn't have gotten so worked up over some stupid award. 317 00:14:23,453 --> 00:14:26,422 "Stupid award"? Didn't seem so stupid to you 318 00:14:26,447 --> 00:14:29,127 when you were doing the George Jefferson up to the stage last night. 319 00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:31,890 Fair enough, huh? 320 00:14:31,915 --> 00:14:34,414 But compared to the things that really matter in life, 321 00:14:34,439 --> 00:14:36,613 it's a little, meaningless hunk of metal. 322 00:14:37,139 --> 00:14:38,340 You know what, Chip? 323 00:14:38,507 --> 00:14:40,222 If you'd won this award last night, 324 00:14:40,774 --> 00:14:42,498 which isn't heavy at all, by the way... 325 00:14:43,995 --> 00:14:45,682 I wouldn't call it meaningless. 326 00:14:47,051 --> 00:14:48,791 We were going to lunch to celebrate, 327 00:14:48,907 --> 00:14:51,004 but seeing how it's just some stupid award, 328 00:14:51,521 --> 00:14:52,682 maybe you shouldn't be there. 329 00:14:53,358 --> 00:14:54,512 Oh, come on, man. 330 00:14:54,790 --> 00:14:56,071 That's all right, Chip. 331 00:14:56,576 --> 00:14:58,547 At least you didn't cry during your speech. 332 00:14:58,977 --> 00:15:00,540 - Oh, wait. - All right! 333 00:15:00,759 --> 00:15:03,061 ?? 334 00:15:04,212 --> 00:15:05,437 (SIGHS) 335 00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:08,094 Anyway, my attempt to not covet 336 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,187 was a huge disaster. 337 00:15:11,821 --> 00:15:14,024 It's so weird it didn't work, Chip, because, you know, 338 00:15:14,049 --> 00:15:15,689 there are so many instances in the Bible 339 00:15:15,714 --> 00:15:20,378 where someone puts on a hat... and it stops them from sinning. 340 00:15:22,339 --> 00:15:25,151 Look, Vince is on his way here, and he's way more likely 341 00:15:25,261 --> 00:15:27,526 to accept my apology with you guys here to help, okay? 342 00:15:27,603 --> 00:15:29,152 It will definitely be less awkward. 343 00:15:29,365 --> 00:15:32,237 Wait, you want it to be less awkward, and you're asking me for help? 344 00:15:33,419 --> 00:15:34,954 Look at how I'm sitting. 345 00:15:37,207 --> 00:15:39,543 Couples counseling is a big part of what we do, Chip. 346 00:15:39,905 --> 00:15:42,257 Generally, it's a man and his wife... 347 00:15:42,282 --> 00:15:44,688 Oh, well, I may need your help there, too. 348 00:15:46,327 --> 00:15:47,679 Leslie is ticked at me 349 00:15:47,704 --> 00:15:49,454 for not mentioning her in my speech. 350 00:15:50,094 --> 00:15:53,040 Also, I recently ate all of her yogurt, and... 351 00:15:54,626 --> 00:15:57,082 then I went and bought her chocolate to apologize, and... 352 00:15:57,926 --> 00:15:59,488 I ate those as well. 353 00:16:01,934 --> 00:16:03,492 Hey, Vince. 354 00:16:06,140 --> 00:16:07,300 - (CHIP CLEARS THROAT) - Chip. 355 00:16:07,549 --> 00:16:08,550 Vince. 356 00:16:11,233 --> 00:16:12,252 So, what's up? 357 00:16:14,573 --> 00:16:15,846 No-thang. 358 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:18,944 Man, this is awkward. 359 00:16:20,378 --> 00:16:22,579 I'm sweating... I'm gonna have to wring out my yarmulke. 360 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,088 Vince, please, have a seat. 361 00:16:26,618 --> 00:16:29,821 Chip, was there something that you wanted to say to Vince? 362 00:16:31,071 --> 00:16:32,272 (LOUDLY): Try a full sentence. 363 00:16:35,726 --> 00:16:36,802 Okay, Vince... 364 00:16:37,369 --> 00:16:38,623 I'm sorry, man. 365 00:16:41,347 --> 00:16:42,652 We need a little more, Chip. 366 00:16:46,832 --> 00:16:49,200 I-I'm sorry I made him feel bad about his award? 367 00:16:49,644 --> 00:16:50,779 Tell him. 368 00:16:54,261 --> 00:16:56,277 Look, man, I was just trying to convince myself 369 00:16:56,302 --> 00:16:58,204 that I didn't really want to win it, all right? 370 00:16:58,229 --> 00:17:00,231 And then I ended up insulting you in the process. 371 00:17:00,256 --> 00:17:03,212 I was coveting, again. And I'm sorry. 372 00:17:06,825 --> 00:17:07,926 Now you go, Vince. 373 00:17:10,862 --> 00:17:11,907 Thanks. 374 00:17:12,397 --> 00:17:14,016 But winning this award was big for me. 375 00:17:14,782 --> 00:17:16,802 It would have been nice to have my friend on board. 376 00:17:18,808 --> 00:17:21,113 Whoomp. There it is. 377 00:17:25,796 --> 00:17:28,316 Also, you think you don't have things in your life that I covet? 378 00:17:28,914 --> 00:17:31,063 You got a wife, a baby on the way, 379 00:17:31,623 --> 00:17:33,204 this new column that's blowing up. 380 00:17:33,885 --> 00:17:36,117 You been Meadows golden boy for the last few months. 381 00:17:37,235 --> 00:17:38,868 Right now everything in your life is great, 382 00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,412 except for not winning this one award. 383 00:17:41,969 --> 00:17:43,461 You covet my life? 384 00:17:43,690 --> 00:17:45,531 Chip, don't covet that he covets your life. 385 00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:49,635 (SIGHS) 386 00:17:52,771 --> 00:17:54,206 Of course I covet your life. 387 00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:57,312 - Everything except for your hair. - What? 388 00:17:58,076 --> 00:18:00,918 Not that it doesn't look great, it would just look ridiculous on me. 389 00:18:03,897 --> 00:18:05,057 Come on. 390 00:18:05,450 --> 00:18:07,510 You'd look awesome with anybody's hair. 391 00:18:09,599 --> 00:18:11,801 All right, let's get back on track here, guys. 392 00:18:13,907 --> 00:18:16,810 Oh, does discussing hair upset you, Gene? 393 00:18:25,752 --> 00:18:29,172 You know, it's funny, cause to me, your life seems pretty bitchin'. 394 00:18:29,197 --> 00:18:30,649 I mean, everybody thinks you're... 395 00:18:30,674 --> 00:18:33,716 super cool and out every night having fun. 396 00:18:33,741 --> 00:18:35,380 I mean, you go on so many dates, 397 00:18:35,414 --> 00:18:37,383 you almost broke your finger. (CHUCKLES) 398 00:18:39,826 --> 00:18:41,027 No! 399 00:18:43,765 --> 00:18:46,835 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 400 00:18:46,860 --> 00:18:49,374 It's a, it's a, it's a-a-a Tinder thing. 401 00:18:49,453 --> 00:18:51,522 Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Tinder, yeah. 402 00:18:57,023 --> 00:18:58,191 (SIGHS) 403 00:18:58,216 --> 00:19:00,838 So, see, the solution to coveting is 404 00:19:00,863 --> 00:19:03,180 to focus on appreciating the things that we do have 405 00:19:03,205 --> 00:19:05,407 in our lives, not the things that we don't. 406 00:19:07,225 --> 00:19:10,393 Like, for example, our friends, huh? 407 00:19:11,149 --> 00:19:12,737 You guys ain't half bad at this. 408 00:19:13,226 --> 00:19:15,186 Don't love how surprised you sound, but thank you. 409 00:19:17,589 --> 00:19:19,278 Hey, just so you know, 410 00:19:19,791 --> 00:19:22,879 your friendship is always gonna be way more important to me 411 00:19:22,904 --> 00:19:24,154 than some stupid award. 412 00:19:24,179 --> 00:19:25,480 Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! 413 00:19:28,077 --> 00:19:30,467 Super cool award. All right? 414 00:19:31,373 --> 00:19:32,623 The best journalist won. 415 00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:36,148 - Thanks. - All right. 416 00:19:37,156 --> 00:19:39,413 You know, we'd make a lot more money as therapists. 417 00:19:40,629 --> 00:19:42,559 We'd make a lot more money doing anything. 418 00:19:42,710 --> 00:19:44,279 ?? 419 00:19:52,338 --> 00:19:53,907 And so, in conclusion, 420 00:19:54,018 --> 00:19:55,501 I would once again like to thank 421 00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:57,363 my beautiful wife Leslie... 422 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:03,403 for her undying love and support, 423 00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:08,060 even as her husband makes a complete fool of himself at every turn. 424 00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:11,953 I'd also like to thank... 425 00:20:12,978 --> 00:20:14,446 nobody else. 426 00:20:16,654 --> 00:20:20,124 Because nobody is as amazing as my wife. 427 00:20:22,223 --> 00:20:23,377 How was that? 428 00:20:23,974 --> 00:20:26,334 Oh, no, I didn't hear the music to play you off. Keep going. 429 00:20:29,208 --> 00:20:30,661 (LAUGHS): I'm just kidding. 430 00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:32,764 You coming to the after-party? 431 00:20:33,087 --> 00:20:34,154 After-party? 432 00:20:34,298 --> 00:20:35,804 Yeah. Um, I was chatting up 433 00:20:35,829 --> 00:20:37,865 that sex columnist at the awards ceremony, 434 00:20:38,519 --> 00:20:40,655 and she gave me some pointers. 435 00:20:43,273 --> 00:20:44,960 You might want to, um... 436 00:20:45,207 --> 00:20:46,461 stretch first. 437 00:20:53,652 --> 00:20:56,021 "New York Nooky", baby! 438 00:20:58,668 --> 00:21:03,668 Synced and corrected by Pisuly www.addic7ed.com 439 00:21:03,718 --> 00:21:08,268 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0